ALOHA — How you show up for others. Presence as a practice.

I Even Write Like AI Now

I've stopped using my personal daily journal. As I have been writing this book and soliciting feedback — it's almost obnoxious how everyone is giving me the same feedback. Write it yourself. Don't clean it up with AI. Just write it in your voice.

But how are you supposed to write in your own voice and not be annoyed at the sight? In the same way the sound of our voices played back to us from a speaker sounds alien, reading my writing seems alien. I guess in both ways, things just seem better inside my own head.

You know, it's tough rolling out these fantastic bits of humor and never knowing if the audience gets them. Or if there even is an audience. I guess in the end, I laughed, and that is what matters.

Wow — these daily ramblings really have taken a turn for the worse, haven't they? Maybe it's just me testing your patience, my dear reader.

Maybe today, we should talk about work.

Gosh, today was such a good day. I had valuable time with Dorian; we moved a ton of stuff. I am really starting to like this kid. To be so honest, I was so/so on him for most of his time so far. These last two weeks I swear something has changed or I started paying attention. I was so moved by his answers in the questions, and he has been ON ME about mapping out how much he needs to do to make bonus. I love a motivated warrior. Beyond that though, I am getting comfortable trusting him. I asked him last night what our SOP was for touches, he had the whole system he built ready for me quickly. Today, I asked another staff member what our SOP was, they could not recall it, and they didn't fulfil the task, or come back to me with the SOP by end of day. I will be addressing the other individual. However, it was just such a nice thing to see Dorian have it together yesterday, and then today, during our 1:1 he came up with an agenda and when we didn't get through it all, we met again twice later in the day. I greatly appreciate how he came back to follow up. We also talked about the change itself that I have noticed, he shared that he has started to get comfortable with the teams and his role and how excited he is for his mission and vision project. I really am excited about his idea. I am starting to see what I saw in him in the interview. I find myself reflecting on Stephen, telling me to be patient and lean in, instead of just calling it early. Thank you, Stephen.

Oh man. I just remembered I have about 90 resumes to sift through. Gonna go get that done before Holly gets home. SEEYA.

Oh Captain, My Captain

End of a quarter. End of an era.

Taking a moment to take stock.

The last few weeks have been a grind. I've been struggling to find patience, gratitude, and aloha. For an Aloha Tuesday, I'm more aware of the absence of it than the presence. I feel run down. Worn out. Burnt out, for lack of a better term.

Sisyphus and the boulder.

A lot of major projects are all hitting late-stage friction at the same time.

the Atlas case is inching toward the finish. And I mean inching. the Beacon deal is moving toward its next gate. The real work on that begins soon.

Today we wrapped our quarterly ROCKs. Nearly all complete. Two remain open, both dependent on broader organizational alignment and communication.

What should feel like relief, feels like reset. New QTR. New ROCKs. Back to the line.

The kids are home for spring break. I had hoped the Atlas case would be far enough along for me to step back and be mentally present.

Instead, work pulls me to lean in. At the same time, my family needs me to lean in. And I feel split between both.

I sat down to write this thinking I'd gas myself up. Reflect on what we've accomplished. Tap back into IMUA and get ready to go again.

But I don't feel that.

I feel empty. Like I'm running on fumes.

I know the answer. Step back. Unplug. Recover. Then re-engage.

I have a hard time forging that time exists.

I stare at my calendar. My task list. Looking for a day. A morning. Even a few hours.

I don't see it. I'm tired.

I need a win. I feel like if I just push forward and onward, it will come.

There are so many things right at the edge — deals, payments, closures — that would give me that burst back forward.

And they won't finish. They won't close. They just sit there.

It feels like being out at sea, wind pushing in every direction, never quite making land.

I hate that this is where this reflection landed.

Because the reality is: we crushed this quarter. We led from the front. We built systems. We created tools for the market. We designed product. We solidified agreements. We built process. We trained staff. We brought revenue. We launched initiatives. We spoke at a conference. We brought on three agencies.

In sixty days, we built a lot.

And still — I feel lost.

It's easier to build worlds than it is to prioritize yourself when everything is on fire and moving at once.

Oh captain, my captain.

Am I lost at sea — or has the helm stopped feeling like shelter in the storm?

Do I drive the sails and ride the wind — or am I just another passenger carried by it?

Oh captain, my captain, what should be structurally changed to stop writing this entry every two weeks?

2/9 — 2/25 — 3/4 — 3/18 — today.

Same energy. Fear of failure as a motivator to continue pushing forward despite the need for rest. The fear of failure protecting from failing on the rocks, P&L, and client outcomes, but in doing so creating the space and allowance for failure of taking care of my family, myself, and identity.

If I created the identity that I am the unbroken, the one who doesn't fail, the one who pushes through, then who is the man who is in front of the mirror when something finally does fail?

Does the writing about this get better or do I finally get better?

Today I sent my team to the internal team huddle without me, to champion our initiatives and to be trusted to handle, I sent Dorian off without me to a broker meeting, I sent Nora forth on her work without oversight. I'm getting better. It's scary. The control is being relinquished. Now, to take more than a meeting off.

One Percent Better

It's 7:01.

My top priority was done. We trained to PPVA. I am unhappy with how I did.

I confused myself and the team when I talked to SMA vs MF and failed to recall I was referencing an SMA as an SMA and not an SMA as a component of a life/annuity policy. Felt foolish. Felt robotic and uncomfortable throughout. Need more reps. More time on the bench under the bar. I just need more practice. It would be a good exercise to reflect on how far I have come, but the road ahead has too far to go to spend time reflecting on how good we are when we aim to be great.

We will get there. The stuff will get done. We will cross the finish line. On this, and all the other items. I am not going to be disappointed with my day. We worked diligently, advanced projects, coached and trained, and moved the needle. 1% better today than yesterday.

I want to state — I am incredibly thankful for Stephen today. The aloha shared with me, when I was so upset that parties had let us down, and the reframe offered. I felt so seen and understood when Stephen reflected back to me what I might be feeling, and it was so on point. I felt so understood that the depth of my frustration, disappointment, and sense of betrayal by the fund melted away so quickly, and I was able to lean back into the work.

The model for interns is helpful. Drawing it out made it click. I have heard it many times, to Stephen's credit, he did tell me. It made sense today.

Excited for the path forward. Two steps forward, one step back, is still forward movement as long as we take the next two steps forward again.

I Am Who I Am

Did better presenting today. Had a solid agenda for book club. Felt confident and comfortable calling on people to contribute. Made great time in my pacing. Ended right along the line. Happier today with myself than yesterday. 1% better.

Had a great 1:1 with Dorian. Really enjoying seeing him expand and grow. He's hungry and he's gonna be great. Thankful for the coaching Stephen gave me during annual meeting regarding seeing things through.

Kept my word today. Every deliverable was delivered that was stated it would be. We said no to things and protected our priorities.

Did a bit of everything today. What I love about this job and space.

I had a meeting where I met with a client, advisor, and banker. We supported a policy rescue. The intro I received was kind and accurate. I was confident. I know my shit. I come correct. Even though I was in the bathroom peeing for the first time all day one minute before the start and had just gotten back from kid pick up and a phone call with P.J. to work through the Roe case. (Which it must be mentioned that with Petra out, P.J. coordinated with Hope. Checked the documents. Called me to inform me of status. And checked in later. Not his job. Stepped up fucking big for us and took on an the internal team leader role to back up and make sure our clients were covered.) Anyway. I digress.

Even with no time to cool my head. Reread something I hadn't read since my morning study. I walked into that call and rocked the fuck out of it. First one in the call. Last one out. Built on the relationship with the banker, the advisor, and dang it if I didn't also make a friend out of a UHNW client.

I'm so confident and comfortable in rooms with people that used to intimidate the fuck out of me.

That's the moment. That's the win. (Ew. I even write like AI now.)

This the real reflection. Let's take some stock in who the fuck we are. Let's gas some shit up baby. We are Napoleon. We are Washington. We are Lafayette.

Okay getting carried away.

But surface facts only. What did I do today?

Arose at 0630.

Kid dressed. Hair brushed. Fed. Coat on. To school. Out the door on time at 0705.

Took my meds. Took my creatine. Drank my water. Prepared my gym attire.

Dropped off kid. Went to gym.

Kicked ass at the gym. That's all there is to it.

Abductors. 160 pounds. 3 sets of 10.

Seated cable rows. Close grip. Build up in weight in 20 pound increments. 3 sets of 10 one set to failure. Starting weight 115.

Seated cable lat pull downs 3 sets of 10. Last set till failure. Achieved 13. Been experimenting with double single grip pull downs where I keep my elbows in. Feels to target my lower lats and my WIDTH most. Idk what it's called tho. 115 pounds.

Standing extended arm cable pulldown things. Idk another thing I created on my own then discovered it existed. Builds the absolute shit out of the width on the upper lats. Feels nutty. Like a fat muscly armpit. Did three sets. 65lbs. Hit 10-8-6 for reps.

Three sets of this seated row machine. It's nutty. HEAVY. Takes the entire back to row each arm. Hits my neck, shoulder, middle back in a nutty way. Love it. Favorite machine. Could only do 80lbs per arm. 160 lbs total for 2 sets of eight. Then I got mad and wanted to hit ten. So I did eleven on my last set.

Smith machine standing rows and shrugs. Did three sets with 45 pound plate each side of bar. So 115 total. Bar weighs 25 on smith. Not standard 45. This one got meeeeeeee. Really felt it all over. Weaaaaakk and depleted. The body expired.

Seated cable crunches. 155 pounds. Three sets of 10. One last set that I just grunted the fuck out. I was annoyed that I wasn't feeling the impact of the weight in my abdominals. It felt like carrying groceries. Heavy and shitty but you didn't get any growth. A waste of time for muscle development. So last one. We just went until we wanted to die and then hit it for two more. If my stomach hurts tomorrow and I can't figure out what I ate. Remind me I'm sore.

Then we saw the pull up bar. Wanted to see if we still had it. Hit EIGHT clean mother fucking pull ups. I'm talking PRISTINE. 90 degrees on the elbow on the bottom. Chin above the wrists on the way up. EIIIIGHHHHHTTTTTT. I COULDN'T DO 5 AT THE START OF MY LIFT FOUR MONTHS AGO. AND I DID EIGHHHHTTT AFTER PUTTING MYSELF UP ON THE CROSS FOR THE LAST 45 minutes. I could have done more. Tank wasn't dry but it was 0826.

Picked up daughter #2. Got her to school on time. Went home. Grabbed dogs. Drove to Holly's work. Brought her the Starbucks from Dorian. She had THREE PEOPLE call out on her and had to run her restaurant with only one other person for 13 hours straight. Dorian might have saved her life today. WENT HOME.

On the drive home. Worked with my LLM and wrote out my thoughts and recommendations for what Reid should deliver for the program during his time and my expectations of him. Built the memo entirely on the commute around. Sent to Nora for reflection and refinement.

Changed into formal work attire. Groomed hair.

Responded to broker inquiries by confirming receipt. Forwarded off opportunities to Dorian and gave context. Forwarded off tasks to Renee with Nora for oversight.

Triaged the Atlas case case.

Met with Caleb at the partner firm. (PHENOMENAL PARTNER. VERY SMART. VERY HONEST. DEFINES WHEN CONVERSATION IS BEYOND HIS SCOPE. HE GAVE HIS NEXT STEPS AND EXPECTED TIMELINES. HE CONFIRMED UNDERSTANDING. HE CONFIRMED MINE. FUCKING LOOOVE THIS GUY. WOULD TRUST HIM WITH ANYTHING I HOLD PERSONALLY VALUABLE OR OF SIGNIFICANCE.)

Prepared documentation for disbursement. Completed process with Caleb.

Prepared formal update. Took notes of all process. Updated partners on next steps.

Coordinated with the fund for needed materials. Supplied needed materials after personal review of documents.

Called and spoke with three different partners on phone for extended durations. Navigated all calls with CONFIDENCE.

Confident to ask questions. Confident to push back. Confident to direct to what I need. Didn't matter rank or title. Josh was on a fucking mission baby. And on a mission with aloha and appreciation. But also a shit load of pono when he had to make sure people towed the line and understood the needs of the client.

Prepared all documents for later review for the Vista case.

Joined my 11AM stand up call with team. Coordinated on needed deliverables. Coached. Provided context. Asked what they needed. Delivered to it.

11:30 I didn't go to the internal team. I haven't all week. I've trusted my team.

Instead worked on Vista case. Reviewed task. Reviewed documents. Found needed pieces. Assembled information in large piece. Reviewed the approved piece from previous drafts with Hal. Recalled the coaching received. Worked to simplify extensively and drive towards conclusion with needed information only. Still went too heavy on the carrier. But it was new to me and it all felt important and I had a hard time adjusting that passage. I don't know what to generalize because the whole breadth of the thing came alive to me during the project. Set project aside so I could review before final send.

Performed 1:1 with relationship manager. Focused on next meeting to prep him, discussed our current trajectory, outlined growth targets, explained VTOs, dived into context. Exited at 12:55. Rolled into next meeting.

Met with the firm. Coordinated meeting. Had an agenda. Executed. Negotiated. Discussed. Kicked fucking ASSSSS. Boy oh boy do I know my fucking shit. I called up facts from memory on this opportunity from the depths of memory and study and had an understanding of THEIR business to a level advanced of them from a recall perspective. Dude. I danced. I sold the concept of we you us. Immediate buy in and understanding. I can name my comp. I set the agenda for next meeting. I defined deliverables of parties. I agreed and aligned on path. And check this out. I BROUGHT BACK UP PPLI and we brought back the old giant case and discussed the opportunity of timing. And they shared THAT JUST SUNDAY THEY WERE ASKED BY THE ADVISOR TO REVISIT. THEY CONFIRMED WE ARE THEIR GUYS FOR PPLI. I respected Petra as a leader. I respected P.J. as intelligence. I introduced Dorian as their contact once we began writing the business. Mother fucker I was a BINDER today and I was hot shit. It was comfortable. It was easy. I came prepped because of TRUTH of study not because I was witty, or salesy, or whatever the fuck. I was just myself and I was studied rofl. Watch me cook. Anyway. I still need to assign out all the work. That's tomorrow.

Went to daily huddle. Shared my aloha. Set the example. We lead from the front. We prepare our blouse and get ready to lift the fridge.

I further advanced my work on Vista. I finished further mid day required follow ups. I responded to Teams messages from other teams that needed support. I chatted with brokers.

Two PM. Dogs in car. Out the door. On time. Kid #1 pick up. Discussed day. Talked plans for the day. Set expectations.

Talked to P.J.. He was so helpful on the Roe case. Reviewed the case. Did something. I don't remember. But I advanced it.

Finalized pieces to share. Assembled folders on SharePoint. Sent email to Stephen and Hal.

Went to the bathroom for the first time all day. Texted with broker. 14:28.

14:30 meeting starts. Banker arrives first. Chit chat. Build relationship. Provide context on advisor and client. Advisor joins. Confirm alignment. Client joins. Introductions. Work. I share my background and personhood. Banker shares. Client shares. Sole provider of their blood testing service for major national gym company. Several other amazing partnerships. Five kids. All going to med school or investment banking. Cool guy. He discusses his need to work with people he trusts. Discusses his case. I helped fill gaps on technical data client didn't recall. I KNOW MY SHIT PEOPLE. I STUDY MY ASS OFF. Advisor dropped off call. Connection issues. Continued. Set next steps. Coordinated call. Discussed personal life with client. Rolled into next meeting. Two minutes late. Client extended goodbye beyond expectation. Coordinated in advance for Nora to vamp. Made internal decision to tell client I have another meeting. Client stopped before needed.

Led the book club meeting. Executed well. Good engagement. Good discussion. Fun vibes.

Picked up child #2. Dropped off child #1 at martial arts. Dropped off child #2 at home. Spent drive discussing day and school. Setting expectations. Sharing aloha.

Drive back to martial arts. Call Stephen. Provide update on cases. Discuss Robin. Define next steps and assign self task.

Go inside. Watch my kid fight her asssss off. Omg she killed it. Lost every middle round. But you should have seen the piss and vinegar in her eyes. It was excellent. At one point she was being weak willed. She came over crying about her stomach hurting (it's a theme. When she doesn't want to do something. Stomach hurts. We are working through it. She's the kid that sees the nurse three times a day. I'm addressing.) Anyway. We comforted her. Told her we could leave or she could get back after it. She went back to the mat. And then she locked in and worked so hard.

I stayed until they started "silly games" they play like freeze tag and shit to end class. I went to my car.

Performed 60 day review with Dorian. Went long. Had a wonderful call. Gave feedback. Coached on areas. Asked for help with others. Discussed market. Discussed next steps. Aligned on his desire to outbound. Shared the path I have and what he can fulfill to now. Aligned on intern expectations. Talked personal stuff for a while. Went long. Great call. Really excited at what we discovered.

Called Petra. Called Nora. Called R.E. Dacted Jr. Shared with R.E. Dacted Jr. updates on many items. Shared the Beacon deal and the counterparty. Aligned on some key items. Asked if he was mad at me. He confirmed he doesn't even think about me. I think that's good.

Made dinner. Spaghetti and breadsticks.

Prepared a brief for Stephen on Robin and shared to him. Updated Mari on her case. Spoke with Curtis.

Built something. I'm blanking now. But I did something. It felt dramatic. I'm sure I'll remember.

Began assembly of the revenue model excel I want to build. Arranged my pile and knowledge base and got to work.

Ate dinner with family.

Spent time with Evelyn. She feels like she needs comfort. Gave attention. Followed up on the expectations I set previous.

Spent time with Holly. Sat with her. Listened to her day.

Finished the documentation and questionnaires in advance of my initial therapy consult tomorrow.

Handled personal emails. Responded to personal texts. Checked on finances. Aligned on budget. Wrote my reflection.

It's 9:21 PM.

I probably wasted about 20 minutes today. Early in the morning. It was harder to kick start the show today than I'd have preferred. Felt a little sluggish on the start. Thank god for that Starbucks. That kicked in and off we went. Total caffeine intake on the day 320 Mg.

No caffeine after 9:30 AM.

These are the days that relight the fire.

We did it all man. Peak.

Now. Let's do it again tomorrow.

I am who I am.

Napoleon. Herrington. Washington. Lafayette. Hamilton. Julius Caesar. Alexander. Michael Jordan.

Asking Why It Mattered

Find myself reflecting on my growth today. I had an opportunity to start my day with a client call. First time meeting, new introduction, the advisor introducing is from Dubai and seeks no remuneration on any income from introduction. He just seeks his clients to receive competent planning ideas.

I rolled in, began my discovery, learning about the client. They are fascinating. Graduated U of I. Moved to Dubai. For fifteen years worked in sustainability until Covid where they realized how empty life felt and wanted to come back to family. We spent half the call just sharing with each other. The advisor curiously wondering when I was going to get to the meat of the work. Except I already was, as I asked questions from a place of natural curiosity, I was answering all the fact finding, nexus, and risk profile questions in my end. When a natural segue appeared, I confirmed understanding and then discussed the strategies and structures of pursuit, refined based on their goals, set next steps, then left. I assigned out the work. Formalized my notes. And went to my next call.

Later that day I had my first role playing meeting with Theo and Robin. I played the client. I heard myself five years ago when Robin launched her discovery. As I was giving feedback and coaching at the end, I was pulling from my experience and sharing it out. It felt so confirming to see in real time examination, all the growth that occurred, to understand that it came from hours and hours of study and when there wasn't study known, there was Imua to capture and circle back. I shared these lessons down and received some of my own in the questions that came back. Helping me refine my coaching and processes.

Theo shared it was the most valuable time he feels he spent with me so far. Feelings are a little hurt this trumped some other moments. But what feedback to receive.

Mahalo for the growth and the opportunities I am given by these leaders to capture it.

When I had an interview with Caleb to end the day, I asked him what his favorite time in his career was. He shared it was when he went from the product guy to the process and operations guy. Building the hooks between systems, writing and drafting the process and manuals, building the tools. Not because it was his job. But because it was needed. He said he was most thankful that he worked at a place and for a team of leaders who gave him the space to try, to learn, to discover, to fail, and to succeed when he learned from the failure.

That was a great lesson for me as well. I have that in spades here and I had it with R.E. Dacted Jr. before. The ability to test, ideate, play, FAIL, and refine is something that I too easily forget. I am called and challenged to be, to succeed, to stretch, and to fail and to learn from it and win.

Mahalo for it all.

See you tomorrow.

Et Tu, Ohana

I'm incredibly frustrated.

For the first time in 13 months, I slammed a door.

I yelled at the girls.

The work lately has been incredibly hard. The mission is pervasive. The weight of worlds feels like it sits on my shoulders. I'm feeling consistently let down by those I rely on.

The fund adding further steps. Drew failed to send the PPM he had for this case the whole time. Gave it to me today. First time ever. I've spoken with him so many times. Heartbroken. Just stupid.

I have a IUL to write and I'm being blocked on having my licensing completed to write it. Asking for help on fixing a mistake caused by another team and receiving outbursts. I owe the US government 3k. The funds in the escrow trust for my divorce just ran dry. Two weeks before the final hearing where the billable hours really kick in. The syndicate continued and continued to delay taking receipt of funds. Only today did they finally share wiring instructions. Over a month after they agreed to do so. I had to be so unfortunately direct with Hope today to just honor the fucking agreement she made last night. And then STILL she moved the fucking agreement. My cash reserves are depleted. The firm owes me income. The fund and the syndicate owe the firm income. Income owed that would fuel growth, alleviate stress, and allow me tremendous personal relief. And everyone is fucking around. My partner, who got promoted, is now working every fucking day, there is no off day. She is burnt and fried and this is not sustainable. I am burnt and fried and this is not sustainable.

I am frustrated because I can solve many of my challenges if others would honor agreements that I planned on being honored in the time and fashion I needed. I can not take a break or a vacation or relax enough to strategize and figure out my own life.

The case has to finish. The partners who are supposed to help continue to block. I sit here instead in a frustrated and losing position.

Today was Holly's off day.

Examine the past tense.

My partner is exhausted. She has worked two 13 hour days in a row. This morning, I looked at her as my alarm went off, and got up and closed the door and let her sleep. I got the girls to school and did the routines alone, because she needed rest. Then I executed all damn day long. I had to argue with fucking everybody. Have to remind everyone of agreements and push to get some fucking IMUA somewhere. All damn day I am frustrated at the fact that I feel I am working my ass off, and when I am coming and stating the things I need, it feels like I am a burden to others. But I am trying my ass off to unburden them by bringing in income.

Anyway. There are sirens going off. It is now 4:30. Frontline meeting is wrapping up. I head down to the basement with the girls. It's the third night this week with tornado sirens. The first of the three interrupted my plans to take Holly on a date. Instead I spent that evening in the basement and in the rain with the kids, dogs, and Holly. The next time I was alone. With the kids and dogs.

Tonight. I go downstairs as the sirens go off. Holly is on the phone. She comes into my arms crying stating she doesn't want to go into work. That she is exhausted. I tell her not to. Fuck it. That's ridiculous. You're a GM. Say no. Close the store. 90% of this town is shut down for the impending doom. As a tornado has actively touched down in the town over. Don't go.

The sirens are going.

She goes upstairs. The girls are now purposefully rage baiting me. Bouncing their basketballs as loud as possible near me giggling about me being frustrated. That's fine.

Then Evelyn starts asking to go upstairs. I tell her no. It's not time. She starts complaining about being bored. And asking "why can't I". And "it's fine dad".

Then Harper keys up and starts in. "Can I go outside" "Why not".

Then Holly starts coming back down the stairs. Changed. In her Jersey Mike's uniform.

Evelyn appears in my ear "Can I at least go sit in the bathroom with the cat?"

I lose it. I'm so frustrated at the choice my partner is making. The fact that I am told "You matter more than work" and yet look at the choice being made.

In an active storm. On her off day. After working an insane sprint. With a partner actively asking her not to go and to say no. And Holly is not like me when it comes to taxes. She doesn't owe. She is owed. Holly got a 4k refund. It got paid to her today. For Holly. That is a month's income. She has a month of runway if she chooses not to go and they choose to fire her.

In that moment. Staring in the logical inconsistency of her actions and her words. Feeling the weight of work, where I feel like an asshole all day for doing my job, the struggle of trying to make it all work. The last month of being the primary one. Pick ups. Drop offs. Dinners. Chores. Activities. Etc etc etc of all of that and busting my fucking ass off every fucking day at work. Writing reports people don't read and drafting SOPs that people act like they've never heard of when they stated they reviewed, were told where it was filed, and discussed at length and instead they choose to make me look like an ass at frontline "We should have a process for escalations" as I have just worked with the team to define that exact fucking process as a VTO ROCK. Elevating concerns and requests again and again and then being met with a lack of understanding of the elevated items importance. When it's been in the report I am commanded to write that takes me from my work for the last two weeks without updates. Where I feel utterly devalued in so many aspects of my life. And now my partner is standing here. Crying because I'm frustrated about a choice I can't stop communicating I don't appreciate for myself and for them, for a choice that they continue to make because I haven't been able to execute on the Atlas case case, because the agreement for when I receive my bonus has slid all the way to April 17, 2026 and now I have to deliver on the first PPVA case any of these partners have ever done yet who direct the process towards me before I receive what I have been promised. And that money would allow me to just supplement my partner's income and force the damned issue or move on entirely. But I'll be darned if each avenue I attempt to explore to bring some relief from the experience that is life, puts up a roadblock or a no into what feels like perpetuity.

In that moment. I am wearing all of that shit in my head. And I yelled.

"EVERYONE CAN DO WHATEVER THE FUCK THEY WANT THEN."

I marched up the basement stairs. And slammed the kitchen door behind me.

The girls all went their separate ways. Harper to her room. Evelyn to hers. Holly to work.

Then the sirens went off again. Tornados have touched down all around my area today.

My partner is at work. Away from me. Away from where I could help.

I am alone, overseeing two dogs, a cat, two children, through the sirens, through the storm.

I am alone and that's how I keep feeling.

Alone and destined to roll the boulder back up the hill.

But All I Care About Now Is What's Here

I just finished up a run with the girls and dogs. Harper on her bike. Evelyn on my old long board controlling Juno. I'm out there carving up the neighborhood streets with my boy Kodiak, a 45 foot line, a new Landyachtz longboard with a firm deck and wheels that just stick to the street.

Pulling myself forward on the line and dropping off to serpentine up the street and lazily carving it up.

The sun is slowly setting. The sky is wide and empty. Almost an apology for the week of rain and storms.

My partner is at the house. Who sent us off on our grand adventure. She is making hot dogs for our return. She secured firewood to surprise the girls with an evening fire and s'more session.

We went to the gym this morning. We trained back. We gave it a full and honest go together. The depth of failure. The success of going beyond it.

Work moved. Work got sent out. Work got done.

But all I care about now is what's here.

Aloha.

He Doesn't Actually Want the Work

After book club today, I've been sitting with my experience navigating discoveries. When I first joined industry, it was a checklist. A script of information to gather. You only know products. So learn what usually fits. You only know general things. You generalize. As you specialize. So does the scope of the discovery.

Dorian said something to me the other day. I came back after a call and shared what was learned, what was done, what was needed.

He said "so you've worked with him for years. What changed that he's ready to give you all his annuity business."

The answer was "I asked for it."

But in truth. I'd never before done a proper discovery. I'd never actually asked him why he worked. What he wanted. What his goals were. Turns out. He wants to never be so busy that he can't live life. He doesn't like the idea of clients calling. Fully licensed advisor. Could do PPLI. Just likes mutual funds and annuities.

Changed everything. For years I framed stuff from "how you can make more money, help more people, do more with less cost."

Guy just wants to do less. Less friction. Less calls. More money. Mutual funds and annuities.

Answer was right there. But I spent three years working with him on life. Because I was the life guy.

But today. I'm the trusted advisor's trusted advisor.

As the advisor is sharing with me his 48k highly tailored lead list, his website rebuild, his marketing plan but again — no launch.

It's cause he doesn't actually want the work. Just the business.

So we talked.

What if it fed my program interns? What if we sold the leads? I have a market. What if we split the business? What if we partnered with another agent who has pre sale teams to help the load?

What if. What if. What if.

More engagement than I've ever had.

All I changed was asking why it mattered. Over and over again until we found the gold. We were curious. We love Wes. So we learn about Wes.

I could work with someone for years and never know them. Or I can meet them on a random Wednesday right before book club and learn more about myself, my folly, and then be built back up by Stephen who shared the structure is great for the start but we must become more.

Here is to becoming. Happy Ohana Wednesday.